The Zen of Sitting Still
by Mitsugi
Summary: Highly trained soldiers should be able to sit motionless for hours...anyone in here think the G-Boyz can behave themselves for five minutes while Relena gives a vitally important speech? *crickets chirp* Didn't think so. =^_^= **tiny bits of implied yao


=^_^= Hello again! This is a little bit of madness that's been bottled up for awhile, it's not particularly racy, just real silly. I so dearly wish I had an animation studio of my own where I could put things like this on celluloid where they belong, but we'll just have to use our imaginations, ne? Ohhh, and don't forget! Check my webpage for updates/sneak peeks at my upcoming fics...especially my *experimental* fic! *organ plays dramatic chords*  
  
This is laid out like stage directions for a play, and there's a lot of unspoken action. The only dialogue of "Sitting Still" that isn't worth the e-paper it's printed on is Relena's speech, which is purposely nothing short of awful. You have my permission to ignore her until I tell you to start paying serious attention to her. It's cruel, I know, but you're going to have to listen to her at some point.  
  
Disclaimer: I had three dozen of those damn "Roll Up the Rim to Win" cups from Tim Hortons over the last two months, and not ONE of them said "You win ultimate control over Gundam Wing and all the characters therein." I did, however, win two coffees, a bagel, a couple of donuts, and a cookie. I don't have them anymore *burp* so you can't sue me for them. =P  
  
SCENE: A lavish garden party, to which hundreds of dignitaries and officials from all the colonies, and from all over Earth, have been invited. They have gathered primarily to hear Relena give a keynote speech on pacifism, but at least a few are only in it for the food. The party is taking place on a lavish estate lawn with a platform for special guests and speakers to the front, two large blocks of lawn chairs in front of it (seating for roughly 500), and rows of buffet tables on either side of the audience. All characters except Relena enter and exit near the back row of chairs, furthest from the platform. Whenever possible when the boys speak, they speak in whispers so as not to disturb the proceedings. Relena can always be clearly heard as she's in front of a microphone.  
  
STORY: Being the stellar heroes that they are, the G-Boyz have been dragged to the party as guests of semi-honour and wearing their Sunday best, except a short but rather inconveniently-timed mission (the details of which we won't go into...maybe) has made all five of them late. Despite missing some of the festivities, they might still enjoy themselves with some food, drink, and fresh air IF...and ONLY if, they can manage to sit still and act like proper gentlemen during Relena's speech, which to the other guests, is the most important reason for showing up. Sit still and behave, no problem, you think? Read on... *evil grin*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(enter RELENA, wearing a flowing mint green gown and long white satin gloves. After the guests take their seats, she steps up to the platform, decorated with carnations and roses, and sets her cue cards on the podium gracefully. The microphone is switched on by the electrical techs, and she begins her speech.)  
  
RELENA: Honoured guests, friends, and members of the press...I thank you all most cordially forattending this gathering...  
  
(enter HEERO, dressed smartly in a blue suit and a black tie, tugging uncomfortably at his collar. He walks a short distance down the aisle, the only available seats being in the very back row. He squeezes down the last row of chairs and sits at the very end, next to the dessert table.)  
  
RELENA: ...it is the spirit of peace that brings us here, to learn from each other's differences, and to discover how those very differences make us so much alike, so much a true family...  
  
(enter TROWA, wearing a black suit and an emerald green tie. Trying to disguise his obvious height compared to the seated guests, or perhaps his blatant tardiness, he crouches as he moves down the last row of chairs and sits beside Heero.)  
  
RELENA: ...and like any family, so shall we all look after one another. If one of us is ailing, so do we all. If one of us is threatened, so are we all threatened...  
  
(enter QUATRE, looking like a reject from a Liberace factory in a suit somewhere between pink and purple, with a ruffled shirt and a black bow tie. He looks around sheepishly, embarrassed at being so late, spots Trowa, and quickly darts down the last row of chairs to sit next to him.)  
  
RELENA: ...by coming together to face common dangers, we strengthen each other, and because of that strength, we need not fight...  
  
(enter WUFEI, miffed as usual and still straightening his white suit. He bows quickly and curtly to Relena, who either doesn't see him or pretends not to, and sits next to Quatre without further commotion.)  
  
RELENA: ...for our strength is greater than that of any enemy. For we are united in the greater cause of peace.  
AUDIENCE: *applauds*  
  
(enter DUO, wearing a plaid jacket he either stole from a golfer or a dead clown. The jacket has no main colour, and is composed of red, blue and green blocks, with yellow threads intertwined, the way most plaids work. As the audience has just begun to clap as he arrives, he bows deeply to the madly applauding crowd while their backs are turned, giving them queen-like waves and blowing them kisses. When they begin to settle down again, he scrambles down the last row of chairs and sits beside Wufei.)  
  
RELENA: As we look forward to a new, golden age where all humans, whether Earth-born or citizens of space, prove and reprove the depth of their commitment and the righteousness of their actions...  
DUO: *spots the dessert table and leans overtop of Wufei* ...Heero.........Heero!  
HEERO: *might not hear him, might be ignoring him*  
RELENA: ...we must remind ourselves at all times of the great sacrifices made to bring about this golden age...  
DUO: *elbows Wufei* Tell Heero to grab me something off that table, would ya?  
WUFEI: If you had arrived on time, you would have been fed on time.  
DUO: Aw, come on, please?  
RELENA: ...the sacrifices of our noble military leaders, as well as the brave civilians caught in the crossfire during the war...  
WUFEI: No.  
DUO: If I pass out from hunger, I'll fall over and probably knock over those two in front of me. *points at the next row of chairs*  
WUFEI: *rolls eyes at Duo and taps Quatre lightly on the shoulder*  
RELENA: ...to commemorate their actions, as well as to signify our undying gratitude as a people...  
QUATRE: *listening intently to Relena's speech* Hm?  
WUFEI: Duo needs food. Pass it on.  
QUATRE: *taps Trowa lightly on the shoulder*  
RELENA: ...a memorial has been commissioned for the front lawns of the new parliamentary buildings...  
TROWA: *listening a little bit* Mm?  
QUATRE: Duo needs food. Pass it on.  
TROWA: *looks over at Heero and regrets having to be the one to pass it on to him*  
RELENA: ...to be built over the following five years, overlooking the monument to the previous Earth Alliance Leadership...  
TROWA: *taps Heero on the arm*  
HEERO: ...hn?  
TROWA: Duo needs food.  
HEERO: *growls* Why didn't he eat before we left?  
RELENA: ...that will bear the names of all the soldiers who perished during the war. Surrounding this monument...  
TROWA: Just grab him something, or he'll probably crawl under the chairs to get to it.  
HEERO: Hn. *reaches over as subtly as he can and plucks a delicate, very posh-looking pastry filled with gooseberry sauce and creme de cognac off an ornate silver tray*  
TROWA: *takes it and passes it to Quatre*  
RELENA: ...there will be a memorial garden for the remembrance of the civilians. A different type of flower will represent each colony and Earth, but they will not be in separate gardens...  
QUATRE: *takes the pastry, sniffs it, smiles, and passes it to Wufei*  
WUFEI: *takes it and passes it to Duo*  
DUO: *takes it and looks at it* ...what the heck is this?  
RELENA: ...they will share the garden equally and interspersed, as a symbol of both our unity and diversity to be passed down from generation to generation.  
AUDIENCE: *applauds*  
WUFEI: You wanted food. That looks perfectly edible to me.  
DUO: I can't even tell what it is! I won't eat it if I can't identify it! Trust Relena to have pastries from another planet at her party...  
WUFEI: Eat it.  
DUO: No.  
WUFEI: Put it in your mouth and chew or you'll wear it home.  
AUDIENCE: *calms down again*  
RELENA: I have often pondered the meaning of peace on a personal level...  
DUO: Oh God...I hope it IS poison, then I wouldn't have to listen to this...*sniffs the pastry* Isn't there anything chocolate?  
WUFEI: *sighs quietly and takes the pastry from Duo, handing it to Quatre, whose eyes light up instantly* He wants something else.  
QUATRE: *takes it, then leans over Wufei* Don't you want this?  
DUO: I think I can do better.  
RELENA: ...and I find myself asking, is it simply the absence of war, or is it something more complex?  
QUATRE: Thank you! *starts nibbling happily at the pastry*  
DUO: *coughs lightly in Quatre's direction*  
WUFEI: *glares at Duo, holding a finger to his lips in a plea for silence*  
QUATRE: *looks up* ...oh... *taps Trowa on the shoulder again*  
RELENA: I thought to myself, perhaps peace is a state of being of one mind, but if it were, where would we find our diversity?  
TROWA: What now?  
QUATRE: Is there something to eat that isn't so... *looks at his half-eaten pastry* ...pretentious?  
TROWA: *raises his visible eyebrow* I'll see... *taps Heero on the arm again*  
HEERO: Hn?  
RELENA: Then I thought, perhaps it is a state of being of one heart, but then, we would be faced with the same problem.  
TROWA: He doesn't like what you picked out. What else is there?  
HEERO: *eyes widen in anger*  
TROWA: *holds his hands up in surrender* I'm just the messenger...  
RELENA: The one clear thing I discovered is that peace is many things to many people...  
HEERO: *angrily grabs something else off the tray, this time a square of marbled chocolate cake with mint green frosting, the same shade as Relena's dress*  
TROWA: *takes it from Heero before he squashes it in a fit of rage and passes it to Quatre*  
QUATRE: *takes the marbled chocolate cake and nearly drools on it*  
WUFEI: *takes the marbled chocolate cake from Quatre and raises an eyebrow at him*  
DUO: *snatches the cake out of Wufei's hands* Yummy! *eats it in one bite* Ohhhh, man, sugar rush...  
WUFEI: *eyes widen in something akin to fear*  
RELENA: ...to some it is simply a cease-fire, but not necessarily with the communication and understanding that we have all come here hoping to find...  
DUO: Me want more! *tugs on Wufei's sleeve*  
WUFEI: Silence! That's plenty until the speeches are finished.  
DUO: *makes puppy-dog eyes at Wuffie-kins* Pleeeeeeease?  
WUFEI: Sit still.  
RELENA: ...some believe it means holding one's weapons at bay until one side breaks off the friendship...  
DUO: *looks very sad* ... *gets an evil grin*  
  
(Without warning, Duo slips out of his chair and drops silently to the ground. He crawls on the grass in his neatly pressed black slacks in front of the other pilots, making them each give a small yelp and pull their feet away in turn. Duo stops in front of Heero and sits on his heels, with his hands on Heero's knees.)  
  
DUO: Lemmie have your chair.  
HEERO: Baka! Get back to your own seat NOW!  
DUO: That cake was TOO good! I'm addicted now and it's all your fault. The least you can all do is shove over one spot so I won't die from hunger. Is that too much to ask?  
HEERO: *resists the urge to punch Duo in the mouth* Will you sit still and be quiet if we do?  
DUO: *big grin* Yup!  
RELENA: ...some others think peace is merely a facade that one uses to hide one's true feelings for the people of all worlds...  
HEERO: *sighs and motions the others to get up and move down one spot*  
ALL BUT DUO: *get up, crouching a bit, and move down one spot*  
DUO: Arigato! *twirls around to face front and sits in Heero's chair*  
RELENA: ...but in order to bring about true peace, we must all realize the true nature and devices by which that peace is brought about...  
DUO: Geez, I'm saving myself from starving to death so I can be bored to death...*grabs more marbled chocolate cake off the table*...go figure. *gobbles cake*  
HEERO: *glares at Duo out of the corner of his eye* Eat quietly.  
RELENA: *realizes that her excellent view of Heero has been suddenly obstructed and nudges the podium the tiniest bit to the right* ...only with pure thoughts and sincere hearts may we achieve what we all so richly desire...  
DUO: *offers some cake to Heero*  
HEERO: *shakes his head, annoyed*  
  
(Just as Heero refuses the marbled chocolate cake with the mint green frosting, a rather large bumblebee decides to avail itself of the offer instead, and hovers near the outstretched piece. Duo swats at the bee and it flies away, but his hand catches some of the mint green frosting and accidentally slaps it on Heero's lapel.)  
  
DUO: ...oops.  
HEERO: *Deathglares* Omae o korosu.  
DUO: *tries to brush it off* Allow me.  
HEERO: *slaps his hands away* Get off!  
RELENA: *scoots the podium a teeny bit more to the right, trying to see Heero more clearly* ...and it is desire that drives all humans towards happiness, though that happiness takes on many forms...  
DUO: *goes back to eating, as quietly as he can, avoiding Heero's eyes*  
BUMBLEBEE: *returns shortly and strangely ignores the entire dessert table, opting instead to perch on the large frosting stain on Heero's lapel*  
HEERO: *sweatdrop*  
TROWA: *spots the bumblebee* ...Heero...don't....move...  
HEERO: *not moving, except for his mouth* I'm aware, Trowa, I'm aware.  
RELENA: ...and as most people will tell you, whether civilian or military, true happiness comes from security, and security is a natural offshoot of peace.  
AUDIENCE: *applauds*  
TROWA: *nudges Quatre, eyes still on the bumblebee*  
QUATRE: *clapping* What?  
TROWA: ...gimmie your boutonniere.  
QUATRE: *takes the white carnation out of his buttonhole* ...what's wrong?  
AUDIENCE: *calms down*  
RELENA: I also began thinking to myself, who among us is deserving of peace? *scoots the podium a little more to the right, forcing the photographers to shift a bit also*  
QUATRE: *spots the bumblebee, eyes go wide, and makes a tiny little "eek" noise before clapping a hand over his mouth and hyperventilating through his nose*  
TROWA: *takes the carnation* ...hold still Heero...   
HEERO: *sits very still*  
RELENA: Are not all creatures deserving of the feelings of security and happiness that others who have attained peace have taken for granted in the past?  
TROWA: *reaches the flower towards the bumblebee, hoping to coax it off Heero*  
QUATRE: *grabs Trowa's arm* What if it stings!?  
TROWA: ...well, I don't know...Heero, do they sting?  
HEERO: I thought the purpose of sitting still was not to find out.  
RELENA: There are those who would say that peace should only be granted to those who have done good works equal to the benefits they would receive from peace...  
TROWA: Duo!  
DUO: *mouth full of cake* Whud?  
TROWA: Do bumblebees sting?  
DUO: 'Ow shud I mow? *swallows* ...how should I know?  
RELENA: ...but peace is to be especially given to the innocent, regardless of good works. It must be shared equally even with those who appear to be undeserving...  
HEERO: *is very still*  
TROWA: *reaches in front of Heero, trying to coax the bumblebee onto the carnation*  
QUATRE: I can't look...*turns away*  
BUMBLEBEE: *steps on the carnation at first, but flies off as soon as Trowa's hand moves, choosing instead to sit on Heero's nose*  
HEERO: *sweatdrop* ...nngh...  
RELENA: ...to bring harm upon any creature, human or otherwise, may disqualify a person from being granted peace, but it does not mean they cannot be deserving...  
TROWA: ...oh boy...  
DUO: *notices the bumblebee* Whoa, that's a BIG sucker! *leans in so he's studying the bee and Heero's nose intently*  
HEERO: ...Duo...back...off.  
RELENA: ...and the philosophy of "live and let live", in my opinion, should be our primary rule, and must apply to all life equally. Without this basic truth, any peace would be a lie.  
AUDIENCE: *applauds*  
QUATRE: *tugs on Wufei's sleeve* Do bumblebees sting!?  
WUFEI: *turns around, wild-eyed* ....what!?  
QUATRE: Heero has one on his nose! Do they sting or don't they?  
WUFEI: *leans over and looks at Heero, both eyebrows raised*  
AUDIENCE: *calms down again*  
BUMBLEBEE: *walks around in tiny little circles on the tip of Heero's nose*  
HEERO: *muscles starting to get tense and sore from holding his position* ...nnnrgh...  
RELENA: Of course, as wonderful as the notion of peace sounds, it cannot come without some amount of sacrifice. Compromise will be harder to swallow for some than the notion of setting aside all weapons...  
WUFEI: *leans over and taps Trowa on the shoulder* Switch with me.  
TROWA: *gets up and tries to squeeze past Quatre without looking too obvious*  
WUFEI: *gets up and tries to squeeze past Quatre without looking too obvious*  
QUATRE: *tries to ignore the two young and very fit male bodies trying to squeeze past him without looking like he's trying not to look*  
RELENA: ...and the spirit of compromise is essential to the success of peace, as it proves that all sides are willing to give something up for a mutually-beneficial state...  
WUFEI: *sits in Trowa's chair, next to Heero*  
TROWA: *sits in Wufei's chair, on the end beside Quatre*  
DUO: I'm surprised your nose doesn't itch by now, Hee-chan.  
HEERO: ...nnrgh...it does NOW, thank you.  
DUO: *tries to blow the bumblebee off his nose*  
HEERO: That makes it worse!  
RELENA: ...and so trust is built through sacrifice, and peace stems from trust. We must all be willing to give if we expect to receive...  
WUFEI: *leans slowly over Heero and lifts a finger up to the bumblebee* Come here, little one...  
HEERO: *holds his breath, nose twitching*  
BUMBLEBEE: *climbs onto Wufei's finger, sensing his inner peace*  
WUFEI: *slowly leans back in his chair*  
HEERO: ....ACHOO!  
  
(Some heads turn to look at Heero, and even the flashes of the cameras slow down. Relena tries to hide a smile, Duo tries unsuccessfully to hide a laughing fit, Trowa and Quatre just look straight ahead as if nothing's wrong, and Wufei stares at the bumblebee, ignoring the audience. Heero whispers a quick "Gomen" to the surrounding guests and goes a little bit red. AN: If you haven't been paying attention to Relena's speech up to this point, now would be a magnificent time to start.)  
  
DUO: *snickers*  
HEERO: ...hn.  
RELENA: *still smiling slightly, glad she moved the podium in time to see that* It is this balance of give and take that we all must strive for...  
WUFEI: Hmmm... *watches the bumblebee contentedly, as it crawls around on his hand*   
QUATRE: *watches with hesitant interest* It's not gonna...  
WUFEI: No, it won't sting you. *contemplates it* Goodbye, little friend... *blows on it gently and it flies away*  
RELENA: ...and through this struggle we shall all gain new strength, a strength which will bring about *flips over a cue card* radicchio...uh... *looks at the cue card in disbelief* ...which will bring about...radical change. Um...this new era of peace *flips over another card* walnut...er...will not be possible without...without unity of...spirit.  
  
(Relena looks at her cue cards with a small amount of panic, realizing that in place of her speech, there now appears to be recipes. Her paragraph on unity and strength, for example, has been replaced with the ingredients for a Waldorf salad. Half of her mind struggles to remember the words, the other half is trying to figure out how this could have happened. AN: *evil grin*)  
  
TROWA: ...  
WUFEI: What is that onna TALKING about?  
DUO: I dunno, but I'm hungry again all of a sudden.  
HEERO: She said "walnut." I'm sure of it.  
TROWA: She said "radicchio" too...isn't that a kind of lettuce?  
RELENA: ...and this spirit of peace *looks at card* apple...APPLIES...to all citizens...  
QUATRE: ... *sweatdrop* ...uh-oh...  
ALL: *look at Quatre, who blushes instantly*  
HEERO: What do you know?  
QUATRE: I was talking to Relena's chef b-before I went to get m-my suit...  
WUFEI: Before she left to come here, or after?  
QUATRE: Before...um...y'see, the chef gave me some recipe cards, for soups and salads and main courses, and I set them down on the counter a moment, and then Relena came down...she was on her way to get changed too...  
TROWA: Oh no...  
RELENA: ...to exclude even one person...um...would be a *looks* grape...a GRAVE error...  
QUATRE: *sheepishly takes a small stack of recipe cards out of his jacket*  
HEERO: *reaches across Wufei, grabs the cards and flips through them* "...strength brings about radical change...no peace without unity of spirit...spirit applies to all...exclusion a grave error..."  
DUO: *grinning* Way to go, Q-Man!  
QUATRE: I didn't know!! *buries his head in his hands* She must've picked mine up by accident!   
RELENA: ...and would bring terrible *looks* melon balls...MELANCHOLY!...er...upon...the general...populous. *more than slightly panicked*  
TROWA: What do we do? She's gonna bomb up there without these cards!  
WUFEI: Just stop the proceedings and take them to her.  
QUATRE: We can't! She'd die of embarrassment!  
DUO: She doesn't look too healthy up there as it is...  
RELENA: *flips over another card* The grilling ordeal... *blink* ...the GRUELLING ordeal ahead of us...is, um...is all about keeping our suspicions in chicken...in CHECK.  
DUO: *looks around the grounds, as if formulating a plan*  
  
(The reporters and some of the guests have begun to look at each other questioningly, as they puzzle over the odd turn Relena's speech has taken. Duo scans the layout of the place and discovers that the buffet tables are arranged in a straight line along the side of the audience stretching from his location almost up to the platform where the podium is. The tables are still heavily laden with leftover food from lunch. In one swift movement, Duo snatches the cue cards out of Heero's hands and ducks under the dessert table, crawling forward until he's as close to the podium as he can get without giving himself away. A good forty feet ahead and to his left is Relena.)  
  
DUO: *waves at Relena and holds up her cue cards, smiling*  
RELENA: *eyes go wide*  
HEERO: Give me strength...  
RELENA: *debates running down to grab them from Duo, but doesn't want to appear unladylike or flustered in front of the dignitaries, and especially in front of the reporters*  
DUO: *reads a card, then sits up underneath the table, crossing his legs under him, pleased that he just fits without bumping his head*  
QUATRE: Can you see what he's doing?  
HEERO: He's being a baka.  
RELENA: *struggling to remember bits and pieces* As our worlds recover from...from...  
DUO: *crosses his eyes and mimes choking himself with both hands*  
RELENA: *squints at Duo* ...from the stranglehold of the military...  
DUO: *reads a card, then mimes rocking a baby in his arms and making googly faces at it*  
RELENA: ...we will...we will nurse each other back to health! *feels relieved and smiles, as if this might just work* So, in conclusion, let us...er...  
DUO: *mimes pouring a glass of champagne and drinking it, complete with hiccup*  
RELENA: ...  
DUO: *drinks the imaginary drink again, emphatically*  
RELENA: ...let us drink?  
DUO: *frowns and shakes head, drinks his third imaginary drink and should be imaginary tipsy by now*  
RELENA: Let us...*waving hands in a circular "thinking" motion*...drink, get drunk, er, soused, potted, inebriated...  
DUO: *shaking head fiercely and pointing to the "glass"*  
RELENA: *claps and points at him* Under the table!  
DUO: *groan*  
RELENA: No? Um...three sheets to the wind, pickled, stewed, liquored up, cracked a tinnie too many...uh...  
DUO: *shakes head and scowls* ... *mimes putting two slices of bread in a toaster, pushing the button, and catching them in mid-air when they pop up*  
RELENA: ...  
DUO: *mimes buttering the bread and taking a big bite*  
RELENA: Oh, a TOAST! *clears throat and smiles at the audience* Let us toast this new age...um...  
WUFEI: *fighting back tears of laughter*  
QUATRE: *head in hands* Oh no, oh no, oh no...  
TROWA: *raises visible eyebrow*  
HEERO: *smirks*  
RELENA: *looks desperately at Duo again*  
DUO: *raises his arms over his head with his fingers splayed out like claws and snarls like a grizzly bear*  
RELENA: ...this new age, with...fierce? Ferocious? Ferocity?  
DUO: *shakes head and mimes eating a few campers on holiday*  
RELENA: ...with eating and drinking and...no, we've done drinking already...*squints*  
DUO: *sighs, then gets an evil grin*  
RELENA: *nervously* ...this...new...age...  
DUO: *starts taking off his jacket and tie very seductively*  
RELENA: *SWEATDROP* ...  
DUO: *starts unbuttoning his shirt to the beat of imaginary music*  
RELENA: Uhhh...strip? *really panicking now* No...uncover, reveal, uhhhh...taunt, tease, play games with...*gets a glimpse of skin, gets spooked, gets thinking REALLY fast* Bare. Bear. BEARING IN MIND...  
DUO: *sulks, disappointed that she isn't squirming anymore* ... *puts his shirt, jacket, and tie back on, then turns around to see Heero leaning over to look at him*  
HEERO: *quickly sits back in his own chair and tries to look innocent*  
WUFEI: *raises an eyebrow at Heero*  
HEERO: Shut up.  
RELENA: *sweating from embarrassment* Let us toast this new age, bearing in mind that peace is up to us to create, in this...um...  
DUO: *mimes licking an ice cream cone*  
RELENA: *doesn't know what it is, and doesn't WANT to know* ...to create... *blurts out in one breath*...in this republic for which it stands, one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Thank you. *leaves the podium*  
DUO: *scowls*  
AUDIENCE: *look at each other and start clapping slowly, as if not sure what to make of the last few bits of the speech*  
RELENA: *sits in her chair on the far end of the front row of the left-hand bank of chairs, coincidentally enough, right next to Duo's position under the table*  
  
(The audience is glad to see the next speaker...who shall we say, um...the mayor! Yeah, sure, the mayor...going up to the podium. Mayor of what, you ask? Doesn't matter, I just need someone else on the mic for awhile. =^_^= Relena is red in the face like a cherry tomato, and about to rip Duo's head off.)  
  
MAYOR: Thank you very much, Miss Peacecraft. And now, honoured guests, I'd like to draw your attention to...  
RELENA: I'll destroy you.  
DUO: Oh, now THAT'S original.  
RELENA: Give me those cue cards! *grabs at them*  
DUO: *pulls them away* C'mon! I want souvenirs! It's not like you need them anymore!  
RELENA: I have to give this same speech in two hours at the convention centre. GIMMIE.  
DUO: You want it exactly the same? Where should I sit?  
RELENA: *leans halfway out of her chair and grabs the cue cards* IDIOT!  
  
(Relena and Duo struggle for control of the cue cards, while a few members of the audience who are closest start to look at them strangely. Relena finally wins, but only because Duo chooses the most opportune time to let go, ie., when she's pulling hardest. The recoil sends her flying back into her chair so fast she knocks it over, plus the chair of the random dignitary sitting next to her. He falls over, knocking over the chair of the random dignitary next to HIM. SHE falls over, knocking...ah, well, you get the picture. Relena causes a massive domino effect that wipes out the entire left-hand side of the audience, all the way to the back row. Half the audience is now sitting/lying on collapsed chairs. The other pilots, having quicker reflexes, have jumped out of the way and are now sitting/lying on the grass. Duo laughs his head off and eventually bumps his head on the underside of the table, spilling some cheese fondue.)  
  
AUDIENCE: *looks at Relena*  
RELENA: *looks at Duo*  
DUO: *points to Relena* She did it!  
ALL: ...  
MAYOR: Yes, well...*clears throat*...perhaps it would be best if we adjourned for the afternoon.  
AUDIENCE: *pick themselves up off the ground and leave, muttering*  
DUO: *gets out from underneath the table, and eats off it like it's his last meal*  
RELENA: You little...*reaches both hands for Duo's throat*  
HEERO: *runs up and stops her* Now, now...you're a pacifist, remember?  
RELENA: *blinks, them screams in anguish*  
DUO: Didja like the show, Hee-chan?  
HEERO: Missed most of it. *looks sad*  
DUO: *fills arms with miscellaneous foodstuffs* Aw, don't worry...talk nice to me and I might give you a private instant replay later. *nudges Heero with his elbow and winks*  
HEERO & DUO: *leave together, all smiles*  
QUATRE: Um...Relena?  
RELENA: *exasperated* WHAT?  
QUATRE: Could...could I have my recipes back, please?  
RELENA: *narrows her eyes at him, fishes everything that isn't a speech out of her speech, and hands him a short stack of cards*  
QUATRE: Th-thank you...*takes them*  
TROWA: Bye. *shuffles Quatre away before she explodes*  
WUFEI: ...that went well.  
RELENA: Cram it, justice boy.  
WUFEI: *snorts* It's hardly MY fault that you're panicky and disorganized. You should have taken proper care of both your problems before you left the estate to come here.  
RELENA: *confused* BOTH problems? What do you mean? What else should I have done?  
WUFEI: You should have untucked your skirt from the back of your pantyhose.  
RELENA: *looks behind her and screams*  
WUFEI: *runs like hell*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*giggles like mad* =^_^= Aren't I a meanie? hehehehehehe!!! *dries eyes* Ahhh, I finished another one! Yippeekadoodles! Now I can work on my top-secret, highly-experimental, soon-to-revolutionize-the-fanfiction-world fic, for which I will be giving out hints at my website! *winkwink-nudgenudge* Go see! It may not look like much now, but it wants to be a big artsy/writesy site when it grows up...and they grow up so FAST nowadays! =^_~= 


End file.
